Monday, March 9, 2009

Stairway to hell

What happens when you meet your last crush from school three years later

1) You notice he's grown fatter and his face has broadened out, and you laugh to yourself because of course, he's lost his hold over you once you've seen that.

2) You wonder why your chest is hurting. Could it be the chhole-bhature you just ate? Your mother always warned you against eating from roadside vendors. You wish you'd listened.

3) He introduces to you the girl next to him with a special emphasis and a meaningful look in his eye. You realize with a shock that She is very pretty. Of course, it doesn't matter to you. Why should it?

4) You suddenly feel this urgent need to get back to college NOW. You're puzzled about why exactly your brain is telling you it's time to leave. You try to remember what caused all this tearing hurry. Maybe you forgot to do something? But you can't think of anything.

5) You're on your way back when you realize that today happened to be the first day in three months that you wore your old baggy T-shirt, decided not to put make-up, and came with oiled hair for fear of Holi revellers. Lovely.

6) Your friends all notice some erratic behaviour on your part. You're falling into abstract silences, then getting hyperactive and racing them around college, then either laughing maniacally at their jokes or totally missing the punchline.

7) An hour and fifteen minutes later, your chest is still having that mysterious pain. You're trying to pinpoint the location. It's somewhere on the left side. On a completely unrelated note, you're wondering why Her image is floating in front of your eyes. Not that you care.

8) You feel this powerful rush of hate towards him. You don't know why, but you want to hit him, shake him...something.

9) Immediately after, you get an overpowering urge to burst into tears and bawl your eyes out. You have no idea why - it's not that you're sad or anything. But your every sense is - for some incomprehensible reason - telling you to indulge in an hysterical crying jag.

10) You glance at your phone every 1 minute. You gave him your number a full three hours before. Why the fuck hasn't he called? Or at least messaged.

11) You remember there's spaghetti waiting for you at home. Strangely, that doesn't get you at all tempted. In fact, you realize the thought of food is making you nauseous. You try to remember when was the last time you refused any kind of food. Think it might have been sometime in 2002.

12) You know it's going to make you miserable but you go ahead and check out his Facebook account for Her profile picture. Yep, still very pretty.

13) You decide to write a blog post about this baffling behaviour on your part. The pain in your chest is bothering you, but you get on with it anyway.

There they are - the 13 steps to insanity and hell. And then they call me a rationalist!


alchemist said...

hey nice blog.
By the way,your comment on my blog has cleared my misconception that the girls won't click on something specified as "for guys only".
I thought that it was only us,the boys,who will definitely open something with words "for gals" specified somewhere.

la kahlfin fan said...

@ anurag

Hey, it's cool by me, man. God knows I'm perverted enough.

It's just my teacher who has the problem.

Dude, PLEASE post more often. You're good.

Whitelighter said...

@La Kahlfin Fan
Your heartache and journey towards insanity and hell aside, that was quite some link that you opened while your teacher was looking over your shoulder. What was the aftermath?
Oh, and which are the ones you like/follow? :P (This :P does not mean NSFW)
Crushes appear, disappear and reappear only to disappear yet again. But then, you already know this. Nicely written about the chhole bhature though!

alchemist said...

i second your question.:P

please write a blog describing the incident.i am sure it will be a great post.

la kahlfin fan said...

@ whitelighter and alchemist

Oh, ha ha! Like I'm going to tell you! I'm sorry, I'm a lady. And as a prim and proper lady, I prefer not to reveal my porn preferences to random strangers in blog posts.

And the aftermath involved the confiscation of my library card (I was sitting in the library).

la kahlfin fan said...

@ whitelighter

By the way, Your overflowing sympathy for my heartbroken condition has not escaped my

Be warned! I shall reciprocate with equal matter-of-factness one day when you're down in the pits of love.

P.S.: I knew I'd suck you in with the mention of food.

la kahlfin fan said...

@ alchemist

No, indeed, it was terribly banal. I tried to convince. She refused to believe. I pleaded. She confiscated. Nothing much there to write about.

Ok, actually, you've given me an idea for a post. Thanks very much! But I have so many
other ideas for articles that this article will have to wait till sometime in June.

la kahlfin fan said...

@ alchemist

One more thing. I have NEVER come across anything that was labelled 'for gals only':-).
The only things I can IMAGINE would be labelled like that are (say) naked pictures of Johnny
Depp and the like. Or (again, say) pictures of flowers and little kittens and pink high heeled
stilettos. I assume none of these would get you interested.

Would they?

ananya garg said...

nice post.. :)
reminded me of my accidentally bumping into my two years old(this was three years back) crush...well it wasnt all tht accidental... u cud say i was kinda stalking him.. i knw it sucks!! but the whole thing was hilarious!

la kahlfin fan said...

@ ananya

Stalking him! Oh my god - you are one cool female!

I might just take a leaf out of your book :)

Whitelighter said...

@La Kahlfin Fan
You would be better off not taking any leaves from that tree. (@Ananya :P)

Bakarbaaz said...

Mad woman!
You watch porn? Ew!

Bakarbaaz said...

Btw.. am not judging here.. just that I find porn any kind of it ew.

Whitelighter said...

Bakarbaaz also feels the same way about the way elections happen.

la kahlfin fan said...

@ whitelighter

Hehe, really?

Then I'm gonna stop feeling offended :)


Whitelighter said...

One is not supposed to be offended by her, not matter what she says. :D

Bakarbaaz said...

Excuse me! So you don't care about what I have to say.. :(
Also how do you know how I feel about elections??

Whitelighter said...

Its not that I don't care. I'm just not offended by anything. Difference!
And we talked about elections, remember?

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